With honesty I think. The things I pondered while vaccuuming. Do I like who I am?? Hmmmm how do you answer that to move forward well with the hard stuff first. No I dont like entirely who I have become. I am percieved as snobby and a slighty conceited attitude. But I am not really like that. I somewhere along the way have lost the confidence that I used to have. I prefer to hide in the background now as I honestly think people look and think "geez to let your body look like that is disgusting" and yes I will admit it bothers me what other people think. So its easier to just hang back and wait for some person to come to me. And I am noticing that happens less and less its just so easier to hide in my own little world. Face to face i find damn hard communicating via phone, net, email, text I find so much easier at present. And really thats NOT HEALTHY at all. It should be the other way round. So that must change and start now as well. I have to make the effort to say Hi, and to start conversations.
Haahaaa I say this and have made my accountablity via internet.
I do like some parts of me but I will leave them out as I dont like doing that sort of stuff. Far easier to pick out the crappy bits and work on them.
I just had a very good friend point out I am hiding again already behind my profile pic by putting up my girls instead of me. Ok I will work on changing that slowly first I need the guts to me up.
Another area I need to overcome is the fear of eating out. Strange I know but true. I am a fusspot I actually dont like food very much hard to believe from an obese person I know. But I dont. I have a very limited diet which in itself is ok but the portion sizes and the amount is the problem. I hate eating out as I often dont like the food and get a bowl of fries and breads instead. And then I feel stupid so sit there and eat myself stupid while I try to hide in the activity of eating so no one can talk to me about my limited food I eat. Crap I do a lot of hiding.
So if tomorrow my high school said reunion would I go HELL NO. Because in my mind I have already decided what people will think of me now. Fat, Stuck up, Unfriendly, Hard to talk to, Boring, and why did she bother to come if she is just going to be in the corner.
That has to change I want to be the person who is like HELL YES I want to catch up with everyone.
Hmmm it kind of saddens me to read back what I have written as deep down I know its the truth and I also know thats not really ME. Not the old ME and I want the old ME back.
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2 comments:
Goddamn, I could have written some of that myself. I hide in the background too, prefer to deal with people by email etc, even phoning people I find hard at times. If I could be a hermit I probably would! Bit difficult with kids though. Enjoy your journey. catcamwi
Okay - first of all - way to go! What an awesome - and totally terrifying idea!!! I know that if you have people with you on this journey you will be successful. I don't doubt that it will be really hard.
All i can say right now though is - hell - I have NEVER thought of you in the ways that you have listed. I have only ever known you as my confident, always happy, always energetic friend Liz. She who is ALWAYS happy to see me, and invites me over whenever I am home and lets me make myself at home. I have NEVER thought you a snob either!!!! And most importantly you are one of the most loyal friends that I have - which means more than anything. I may come and go - but at least I know you are always there! I shall try my hardest to keep you motivated!!! Can't wait to meet the new you! Oh - and if you are looking for a book to help you along your way - I know it sounds really cliched etc etc - but Oprah's book club had a book called A New Earth - by Eckhart Tolle - buy it - read it a page or two at a time - I swear it will help you change your life - as it talks to a lot of the points you have made on this blog already. It's a hard ready - but worth it.
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