Cripes its warm out there today

After getting up to Emily in the night 6 times I did manage to drag myself out walking this morning. How I am not sure But I did. I weighed myself this morning before I went walking I hope its right. 84.1kg. Please be right. not a big loss but a loss all the same. Still weigh in isnt til monday so I cant really count it. And I have to stop weighing daily its not the right way to do it. Next week I am only going to weigh on Monday and thats it. NO OTHER DAYS.

On a good note Emily is over her bug and full of life today . Took both girls to the PP outlook store this morning and they choose matching outfits. I hate it but they love it. The outfit is nice but they could wear them on different days at least. BUT no they insisted on leaving the shop wearing them.

I really cant be bothered doing anything today. A packet of Salt n Vinegar chips would go down a treat about now but if I have them then theres nothing left for dinner and thats just wasting points so I will have to ride it out. Its all about smart eating now. Of course if I was maintaining there woud be room for them!!. Damn it all. And although I would enjoythe chips come tonight when I am starving I would be kicking myself.

I am in a routine now and finding each day a little easier. Cant wait for that first 10kg to be gone. It will feel so good saying I have lost 10kg. A way to go yet however. Imagine saying I have lost 20kg. Well that will be me one day. One day.

I havent forgotten this lol

Just nothign to report really. I must stop weighing in daily. I went and got new scales and Ithink they weigh 200grams heavier then the other ones. So will keep monday weigh in but realize it may be out slightly.

Emmy has had a vomitting bug. Really wasted on her I should have to drop a couple of kgs

I havent skipped any days out walking and am really loving my walks now. Its like it clears my head and I dream up buying our dream motorhome and off and about in it. So this morning I stopped at the lotto shop on my walk and bought a ticket. Just enough to pay the mortgage and buy my motorhome and I will be more then happy. Please oh lotto gods.

I am doing really well food wise. I worked out on weight watches I am allowed 23 points per day and I eat 22 then do an hour of exercise so ear 4 bonus point. Going by that I should be well on my way to getting smaller. I am finding it easier and easier each day that passes. I feel confident that this time it is my time to get skinny. Every 100grams is something. I read an article saying 500grams per week is the most you should aim for as your body adapts best to that and the poeple who lose 500 grams or less per week on avearage are more likely to keep it off. IT reakoned 1kg per week is too much to lose. I think 2kg per week is fine and dandy/ Really why cant I just wake up and its all done.

Oh well things to ponder.

WEIGH IN DAY

So I was 86.1kg according to the dickie scales. Took them back and exchanged for same scales but a new pair. They are dickie too lol. You have to stand on it about 6 times before you get a constant weight. Before that it goes up and down haaha. But it stayed constant at 84.7kg. So Do I take that as a weightloss or not?? I am going to back to swap again for an totally different brand this time.

I hoep that is fair accurate. I would have liked more but will take that I guess.

All walked, showered and dressed!!

Beautiful morning out there to be walking too. Well I jumped on those silly scales again today. I really should buy another lot. First time on I weighed 89.7kg second time on 83.7kg ( I like that one) and then third, fourth, fith and sixth time on I weighed in at 84.9kg. And I guess that one is most like out of them all. I hope its that I will be happy. Mind you Monday is the official weigh in.

I am doing well I think. There has been a few times I have wanted to say buggar it all I am eating something incrediably NOT in the weight loss plan. But I have managed to think no no no dont undo all this hard work so far. So I am quite proud of that. I havent for the last two nights done my night walk and that is naughty. I need that hour and forty mins to really kick the fat out of my body. So tonight I will be back into it. I also really need a new and good bra for exercising. My muscles dont hurt after every walk now so am assuming my body is adjusting and settling down.

Still breaking out in lots of zits but on good old google I see that can be common as you start a new diet and exercise lifestyle. It should pass within 3 weeks they say. Heres hoping.

I feel so much more confident that this time I can achieve my goal. So the first goal is to change my medical rating of OBESE. Yes thats right I am OBESE. The next step down is OVERWEIGHT. I always thought of obese people as they huge huge people who cant walk, literally can lift up handfuls of fat. But now that is MORBIDLY OBESE. I am OBESE. So if you want to know was a medical definatio of OBESE is look at me. I AM OBESE. When I was told this by the doctor I cried in shock, embarrasment and disgust. It took a while to come to terms with it. But at least I can change it!!

Now I must fly as emmy is bleating on the toilet "mummy, mummy," and it wont stop til I go help her. Actually a naked Emmy just flew down the hallway lol

I had to buy a new computer

The old one just decided not to work. For some unknown reason and when you have a business to run from home a computer is a must. So there goes my savings again. I am getting cross with losing my savings stuff.

I am still walking and really enjoying it. I am sure my belly is getting smaller. I am probably imagining it but I feel that it is.

I dont really have much to say today except that I am still on track havent fallen in a rut or anything. Seem to be plodding along great. Let hope I havent jinxed it.

So the scales today say

99.9kg. what the hell?? Then I stepped on again and 85.3kg. I hope that is right. Seems I have bung scales. And I cant find the receipt. So then I thought I would get the tape measure out and measure myself and I cut my thumb on the steel edge of the measure. OUCH. So perhaps I should just stick to weighing in on Mondays and measuring on the 1st of every month.

I have done my hours walk this morning though. so thats a positive. Its getting easier so I must be getting fitter. So fit and fat has to be better then fat and unfit. Well thats my theory and I am sticking to it.

Yesterday I really wanted salt n vingear chips. BUt I resisted the urge to go and buy some and managed the day without them. So thats a small mental victory to me. In the past I have caved and gone oh well tomorrow is another day. BUT NOT YESTERDAY I put that craving where it belongs fresh out of luck. ahhh.

I just keep thinking of how wonderful I will feel buying size 10 jeans, and a bikini. That will be such a wonderful day I might even take the camera to capture the occasion lol.

Emmy is in a foul mood she shouldnt be she slept 12 hours last night. But so far the day is full of tears and everyhting is screaming and tears. I am trying the ignore mode now. Wait shes gone to lie on the couch maybe she might doze off and feel better. Her lip is all ulcerated and puffy still so am guessing it probably hurts a bit. Silly old chicken.

I wonder how long before I notice clothes getting too big, lucky for me though I have about 20 pairs of jeans ranging from size 18 down to about a size 11 so jeans wise I should be ok. I am hoping that bra wise I go down to at least a C cup. A cup would be better. I woudl quite like bing an A cup but I guess that isnt going to happen. Maybe a breast reduction is something I should save for. I hate being a DD or E cup. HATE IT. No boobs suits me fine and dandy. Anyway I cant control boob size really so have to take what I get I guess.

I am finding my walking quite relaxing even though I am huffing and puffing away. Last night I went alone and my brain ticked over lots of bizarre thoughts. I must have had a huge grin on my face at one point as a man said "good to see you enjoying your exercise". I was at the time thinking of awesome it will feel to pull up to some beach and step out in a bikini. Reality is I wont ever wear a bikini on its own I am too chicken but I could I think manage shorts and bikini top or skirt and bikini top. Well with any luck this time next year that will be achieved. No IT WILL BE all I have to do is continue what I am doing.

My skin is having a break out in pimples attack. I hope its just cause I have stopped the crap and its just having a re adjustment time. I need to drink more water I dont drink enough but I just cant get into water for some reason.

Right thats about me today. I need to go grocery shopping but cant be bothered and buy a big Wednesday I feel its my turn to win a riduculous amount of money. And if I do the first thing is tomorrow getting passports and Lisa look out we will be invading.

I just couldnt help but get on those scales

this morning. and and 85.8kg so so thats 300grams lost. I must be on track again. I know I know you should not weight every day but yeah. I am enjoying walking twice a day. In the morning I take the girls with me in the evening I go alone.

I see so many people out walking, running and biking both morning and night. However not many of them are fatties like me. I see one girl each morning and I AM GOING TO LOOK LIKE HER. But I will need a spray tan first lol. She has lovely legs and tummy I know this cause she wears bike pants and sports bra so you can quite clearly see what she looks like. Thats what I want to be able to do. I wont of course but I just want to be able to.

I am not as hungry as I used to be so I must be getting used to eating this amount of food. I wonder how I will get one when I have to increase slightly to maintain a weight. Guess will cross that bridge once I hit my skinny status. I am at the moment aiming for 65kg as my first skinny weight and then will see if I need to lose further more then. But the smaller goal is to get a 7 first not an 8. Cause doesnt 7 sound so so much better than the 8. I am waiting to get to get 78kg and then I will try on my jeans pre children. The jeans I wore everyday to work. THe jeans that are still in great condition as they werent very old when I got pregnant with livi. Plus NIkki My sis in law has given me a whole heap of clothes and anyone who knows her knows she is expensive gorgeous clothing. I am hoping at around the 78kg they start to fit me. Hopefully they will tide me over til 65kg when then I can go shopping for all new trendy clothes.

I have decided how I want my hair too. And I am getting it done at the 78kg mark. I am going to have a light curl put through it and cut into a funky fun shorter bob. I have seen a pic somewhere along the way of what I want. So I figure once I am in my pre children jeans a new haircut will make me half a hot mummy.

Right better go Emmy is yelling "i want another crucket mummy" in her deep goofy voice. She seems unware there is an S in crusket lol.

I bought some scales and what a shock

I thought I was around 84 - 85kg. I stood on some in the shop that came in at 89kg and nearly died. I am pleased to say that today as my start of weighing in I am 86.1kg. That sounds slightly better then 89kg. So Monday mornings will be my weigh ins.

I feel confident i am on track but now the scales will tell the story!!. I am eating way way less then I used to. I am trying to walk twice a day but at least once a day. Infact am off as soon as I have done this entry.

So my first goal is to get under 80kg. I am going to go in 5kg lots. But anything that is a downward movement will be wonderful.

So when I was measuring which I will also continue to do was I getting smaller and just a lot bigger then I realised or was I just pulling htat tape measure tighter and tighter I wonder. Or a bit of both. Who knows but the serious business is underway now. Come winter I want to be buying new jeans and tops for winter in I hope at least a size 14. A baggy size 14. I ultimately want to be a size 10 though. But one size down at a time. And yes size matters to me vain as it may be I do not care it matters. I want my clothes labels to say size 10. I do not want them to say size 18 -16 as they do now.

I can remember some time ago buying something from Ezibuy for a friend in size 16 I was a 10 at the time. And Ezibuy sending me their Sara catalogue for large woman and being mortified. Well guess what I AM THAT LARGE LADY. Right measruements and walk.

Weight: 86.1kg
Calf Muscle: 43.5 cm
Thigh: 64cm
Hips: 104cm (probably pulled too tight but I am sticking with it)
Waist: 88.5cm
Bust: 101cm
Upper arm: 36cm

Am going to go find the last set to compare but I guess now it will be more acurate as the scales will tell a good story. Right walk time.

First major hurdle will be tonight

Going to stay the night out a local beach 10 mins away. We are going with another couple and everyone bar me will be having fish n chips for dinner as the store is only a few metres up the road. I am going to make a sandwhich. I AM goign to stay strong and continue on my skinny path. I am not going to ruin it now. I feel like I am finally in the right head space to really combat this and fish n chips WONT help at all.

Other than that another good day food wise yesterday. I am quite sure I am eating enough to lose weight now. Hell I better be.

I am off for a walk soon and will push the lugs along as well. This is my year, my year to look and feel one million dollars. My year to find a space where I love my body, myself and my overall life. ITs finding me and loving me. Sounds very veyr self centered though when you have children.

Anyway the walking is yelling at me and I have to do that, clean up, and get whatever for tonight, a lotto ticket and be gone.

Another day down

and yesterday was successful I think. The pictures and virtual model have done me wonders. I dont know why. As much as they hurt they are also a good motivator. I am visualizing buying those clothes and finally wearing a bikini top and shorts on the beach on a hot day. That is my dream. Stupid really its such a self centred dream to have but that is my dream.

We are off to a local beach front to stay saturday night with friends. Gosh its great having accomodation on wheels. These are things we would have never done had we not bought the motorhome. LIttle fun things that make for a lifestyle rathing than just exsisting each day.

I ran an old and good friend Kim over the last week and she has lost over 20kg. GO GIRL but man I am so so so so jealous. But wow a good motivator too if she can do well fuck it so the hell can I. The days I didnt write in here I fell off the wagon and over ate and felt like crap, the days I write my heart out in here I feel on track and in control. strange how finding one thing that motivates you can be so strong in the will to succeed.

an the real ones just to compare

no hiding now there are todays picture. GOD I look pregnant I assure you I AM NOT.

I found a virtual model of what I look like now

Its not quite right though. I need to find one where you put in your leg, arm, bust, waist measurements as well as height and weight. But there is what I got so far. Anyway my arms and bust are definately bigger than what that shows but I will keep trying. And then I shall be able to track onthat what I look like. I did a projection of my goal weight and I LOVE IT. OH god I want to be that skinny NOW NOW NOW.

Sigh guess the only way is slow and steady though.

RIght I CAN DO IT I CAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Funny how a day of soul searching can really change your confidence at this weight loss stuff. I know I can do this. It will only be as hard as I make it. I aren't dieting. I am changing my habits forever. I can do this. I know what I have to do and I will do it. Because that end result of buying that bikini will be such a thrill and emotional victory that I can't wait to get to that stage. Food is not the problem I am my biggest problem. I choose what I eat there is no one else to blame but myself.

Anyway it was another good day food wise. I just twisted my ankle and it was really sore last night so thought it best I dont walk on it and make it worse. But its not going to hold me back.

Not up to much today just enjoying not having to go anywhere as come 27th that will all end as we hit the kindy runs again for the new year.

The girls are both good. Wish they would sleep in but that seems to be impossible to ask of them. *sigh*. It seems sleeping past 6ish isnt cool. One day one day.

And with that I dont really have much to say today excpet I am the only person holding me back and I am the only person who can move this forward. And I can and will overcome this. I have to as being fat is not desirable, not healthy, not attractive and not how I want to be.

I cant do this on my own

I have just been in contact with a friend who has lost a whopping 20kg. I AM SO JEALOUS. Anyway after talking to her for ages last night am thinking maybe I should join weight watches for the added support and keeping on track. More accountability. More support. More help. Other people who are the same or been on this path.

Being FAT really does impact on your life more then you really realize. Things that I no longer do due to being fat are as follows. Refuse to go swimming or wear togs. Avoid social situations as I can never find clothes to fit me nicely. Have let my appearance slip due to never feeling good in any clothes. Going places where people who knew me when I was skinny I avoid. The shame and embarrasment of being fat really does impact on you. It slowly builds up and has really hit me how much I avoid because of my size. Out walking last night someone looked at me and I thought to myself "i bet they are thinking you fat bitch you should be running not just walking" now thats just being paranoid and stupid. Reality is the majority of people do not think that but that another area being fat has clouded.

I DONT WANT TO BE FAT ANYMORE. I dont want to avoid things any longer. The only answer to all this is TO LOSE WEIGHT. Am thinking I need some scales as well as measuring is probably wrong anyway. I probably pull that tape measure way too tight haahahaa. Nah no probably I DO. And all that is doing is cheating ME. It doesnt cheat anyone else but me. At the moment I can only hold onto I used to be a tight 18 and I can get into 16's now so that is proof I have lost weight but its not enough. It must be more. A size 12 at the most is my aim. And next summer I will be on the beach in a bikini enjoying it instead of spending the time worrying about how fat I am. I just has to be. It's just the way it is.

Ok back on track

Yesterday food wise was brilliant!! YAY that helps the confidence some. I really need a haircut but have decided until I drop 5cm off my hips no haircut heehee. So back on track come on cms melt off fast please.

That aside things are going great. Girls are playing nicely together, trying to get away friday nights and home sundays. Caught up with Lisa and Emma and Ethan and Mat yay. Seriously though you reallly need to move back to nz guys!!!

I have decided I need a hobby. A new hobby. Something that I can do from home of course, something that keeps my busy busy busy and soemthing that is productive. Who knows what that is cause I sure dont.

But I have decided this is the year of saving. I am going to stop spending money. I AM. You do realize that is about as hard as stopping eating but I am goign to do it. I have rationed us to half our income. The rest is going to be saved. Quite sure we can do that as we honestly waste moeny and I couldnt tell you what it goes on. Just who knows wasted odds and ends we don need I think. Might be a tall order but should be doable. We only need food, power, phone, internet and morgage each month. I gues we need clothes along the way but thats not biggie. So saving here we come. My goal to save enough for a dream motorhome. Of course we are partway there as the selling of the current motorhome provides a good headstart however not selling it til we have enoug moeny to buy the dream one. You know what a lotto win would help!!! Just 250k will do it all. I wil be mortgage free, be able to build the second lounge on, and should have enough to upgrade the motorhome not the dream one but definately upgrade so I dont want much mr lotto god just 250k please. You gave someone 18 million so why not me 250k lol. Yeah perhaps my savings plan is a much better plan then relying on a lotto win!!!.

right I am off to clean up the playdough for the millionth time I will jsut get it put away when someone will go I was still playing with that!!!! And why do my children get playdough mashed into their clothes I swear I need to buy full armed and legged arpons for playdough and I note they dont get the playdoughy at kindy!!!!.

Anyway Lisa I hope you are all settled back home and Mat is enjoying his fly net thing he wears on his head (weirdo) lol,and I hope to see photos up on your website very very soon please.

Some more photos to remind me why I MUST

lose weight.

haahaa they aer so far away you can't tell lol. Never mind I know what they look like. Right I am off to have breakfast and go supermarket, clean up and Livi has a friend coming to play this afternoon.

Why haven't I posted lately??

This photo was taken this weekend at Karakau. A lovely local was just giving rides for free. AWESOME

UP at Otama. So gorgeous

Mr whippy visited every day and drove right to your tent site.

In the gorgeous sand at Otama.

We hired this bike thing and biked around Whitianga for a while. This photo clearly shows why I need to lose weight!!

Simply because I havent been doing that great!!. I was good while holiday and each day walked up the hill to get cellphone coverage just so I could call out. I came home and BANG fell off big time. So today it is back on the wagon. I am NOT measuring I just don't want to know. Grrr i am rather angry at myself. Why is it so hard. Why can't I just quit eating. It sounds so easy dont eat for a few months and bingo be all over and just have to maintain. Yes sounds so easy yet it isnt its completely the opposite. OH well today is a new day and time to start again.

Right shall put up a few holiday photos now.